You don’t need me to tell you that these are unsettling, strange times. We have just heard on the news that the schools are closing on Friday for an unknown length of time. Self isolation for three months at least has been suggested for the over 70’s and anyone who is “vulnerable.” Supermarket shelves empty as quickly as they are restocked, we have become a nation whose currency is loo roll.
But, as far as I know not many people I know have actually contracted IT….. But we have….. Or at least we think we have as it’s impossible to get tested if you have the (thankfully) mild symptoms.
I thought it maybe helpful to write a few lines everyday about our experiences in order to hopefully ease some anxieties about the physicality of this virus if you were initially in general good health before Covid-19 came to stay. I will be writing a little about what we have been doing every day as much for us to (hopefully) look back on and marvel at what we all went through.
So to start with the people who live in our house comprises of my husband Matt, age 48, very fit regular swimmer and goes to the gym every day. Me, Amanda, 47, Dog Walking is my main activity I am slightly ashamed to admit…. very intermittent yoga practicer……Potter the rest of the time. Elliott age nearly 18, fashion student, quite often plays basketball and Anna, age 10, Hockey player outside school and active at school.
I am reiterating again that we haven’t been tested for C19 so we don’t entirely know what we have been experiencing…… and until this week we were as bemused as a lot of people about the stock piling of loo roll, paracetemol, pasta and chicken. We knew to watch out for persistent coughs and a temperature…. Last week we were all in good health, I had a slight cold, more sneezing than anything else and definitely no temperature. I did have some pains in my back and legs which I put down to sciatica or “time of the month” and stretched my way through them on the living room floor. By Saturday all this had passed and I felt fine and normal except my sense of taste and smell had dulled - My Mum has always had a really bad sense of smell and taste and so I thought maybe mine was deteriorating fast as I approach 48. Matt and the children were absolutely fine.
We went to the theatre on Saturday afternoon and agonised for hours prior to leaving over our decision to drive all the way to London and not to take public transport the whole way. Our plan had been to drive to Blackhorse Road tube and then park and catch the tube into London but when we arrived at Blackhorse Road the huge car park that has resided opposite the tube station FOREVER has now turned into a building site full of cranes and empty half built buildings. I mention this outing really as Saturday now seems such a long time ago and life was obviously not “normal” as we would always just hop on a train to London in “the olden days” but something was shifting in our conscious…..
By Tuesday afternoon around 2pm Matt was in bed with a temperature and a cough having starting to feel ‘not right’ on Sunday evening. Anna then developed a temperature out of nowhere and slept for hours. Elliott and I were astonished and suddenly realised we were now in Lockdown as per the governments guidelines that if a person in your household has a temperature or dry persistent cough the whole family must self isolate for fourteen days.
It is such a strange feeling when you are not feeling unwell at all to be told you cannot leave your house at all… I had, by some miracle, bought enough food for the week in Waitrose on Sunday. This was mostly inspired by everyone who was in there panic buying and so I had shown uncharacteristic tenacity and bought more than “just the next meal” which is how we always shop as Waitrose is basically in our back garden. And of course I have the dogs to walk several times a day, not to mention suddenly having to explain to our family and friends that they can’t pop in and we can’t come round out of nowhere……..
So there I was suddenly unable to leave the house with two family members in bed with temperatures and loads of parcels to get to the Hermes delivery shop as I had held an online sale the previous evening in my “old life” that suddenly seemed to be like a little puddle down the bottom of a very long well.
I had, more for what now seemed like not very funny comedic effect, wiped all the pieces in my online shop with antibacterial spray and kitchen paper as I wrapped them up….. I was suddenly so relieved I had done that I could have wept, until one of my well meaning friends pointed out I had “breathed on the boxes” . What fresh hell was this?!
I wasn’t even ill for heavens sake and here I was locked in the house with loads of parcels that I could'n’t drop off and I had apparently breathed noxious fumes on them. Fortunately a quick look at The Royal Mail and Public Health England ( my now most looked up page) revealed that the virus doesn’t last long on parcels and they certainly wouldn’t survive the trip to the parcel drop off. Such a relief……
So on Tuesday afternoon, my old carefree life a distant memory, I had to phone my son who doesn’t live with us and tell him there were 23 boxes in the boot of my car in the driveway. Could he please come and text me when he arrives instead of coming in the house so I could unlock the boot of the car with the remote through the breakfast room window and then can he drive the boxes to the drop off as the family are now under house arrest. I think he thought I was drunk or or drugs but after he had finished work he did just that and I breathed a sigh of relief that I had completed the first test of not going out.
The next hurdle was the dogs. I consulted the NHS website which said that you should not go out into a public space under any circumstances if you are in isolation for 14 days not even to the shops or for exercise. I also looked at the PHE website as it was the one the government are using for guidance and I was sure I had heard Boris Johnson say that you are allowed out for exercise if you are isolating for 14 days and sure enough it did say that. So I took the dogs out with my scarf tightly wound across my face, head down not making eye contact with anyone. I was petrified some one was going to stop me and demand to know what on earth I thought I was doing and march me back home.
Later on that evening I developed the world most annoying cough. I had also still not regained my sense of taste or smell. Elliott then came down with a temperature and cough and went to bed. Anna was much improved by the evening and so was Matt. We went to bed and I had the most astonishing wildly vivid, scary dreams and woke up exhausted and hot. Matt had mentioning having really astonishing vivid dreams the other morning so I mentally added these to my checklist of potential C19 “things.”
Wednesday morning 8am we receive a phone call from a lovely friend “I’ve left something on the doorstep, open the door before it’s nicked!” We open the front door to see a bottle of red wine sat on the front step. Isolation suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. In fact the thought of popping out and leaving potentially anonymous gifts on friends doorsteps made me feel strangely excited.
Even though absolutely no one had taken a blind bit of notice of me on my walk the previous day now I have a cough I was definitely not stepping outside the front door. I urged the dogs into the garden and made them run about a bit. They looked so confused poor things. They did the thing they do on the weekend when I faff about for hours idly drinking coffee before I walk them and they follow me expectantly from room to room theatrically hurrumphing onto the floor every time I don’t put their leads on. I had become uncharacteristically anxious and miserable ( probably because I hadn’t walked the 6K I do every morning without fail) and busied myself in the studio sorting out months of unopened post (!) and tidying up.
I felt as if we were somehow filthier than everyone else and had failed in the basic instructions to wash our hands. I felt as if we had let our children down by allowing this to happen to them even though Anna, still with temperature, had pretty much bounced back and was tidying her bedroom playing music ( I can’t guarantee tidying bedrooms is a symptom but we live in hope) and Elliott was still peacefully asleep (given half the chance what teenager isn’t half asleep at 9.30 in the morning.) Because at this point we had only told a few people and knew fewer people who had C19 in their life I felt like it was something to be ashamed of and we had done something very wrong. This was very different from the almost exhilarating feeling we had had last night when we were discussing how much help we could be to other people once we were through this and immune…… Where had my usual positivity gone? Washed away with my sense of taste.
I worried for a long time about money and we will survive and pay the bills. Sorting through paper work does not help with this frame of mind but I felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to create anything in the studio as we were in lockdown. These is a new chapter for us anyway, Matt has now resigned from his job in London. Next month was supposed to be an exciting new start of being self employed and his own boss…. His old job wasn’t meant to end until end of March but because he is now isolated he won’t return there and his plan for his new self employment is looking rather fragile at this moment but frankly I can’t think of a single line of employment that doesn’t look perilous today.
I am not going to paint a worse picture than it is for us. At this present moment we are ok. We can pay our bills for a while and we have money for food. But long term I don’t know how long we can last but I think everyone is in the same boat at the moment which holds a little comfort. I am a natural worrier about money at the best of times and am always making sure I don’t owe anything and have enough for our outgoings which are fairly sensible but I know “home economics” will be what I lie awake thinking about most nights even though I know Matt will try and reassure me everything will be ok………
I nearly jumped out of my skin when the postman knocks at the door “YOU CANT OPEN THE DOOR.” I yell at Matt who is perfectly under control of the situation. The Post people have now all been instructed to leave post on the doorstep ( if there is room with all the bottles of wine) and take two large steps back to allow the recipient to open the door and retrieve their parcel but with safe social distancing observed at all times. I had read this yesterday on one of my many website devourings to learn “all the rules” and not get caught out in my new life. But still I shriek at Matt and then run into the studio so I don’t have to witness the very ordinary transaction ( if a little sci fi) of the post arriving. Matt comes in and hand me the post and I am so overjoyed to see a little bundle of delicious coloured yarns from Loop for some of my darned houses I can’t stop looking at them. It seems like weeks since I chose them and was planning houses for Craft festival ( postponed), an exhibition in Brighton (now online) and another exhibition during the Hay literary festival ( I haven’t heard the fate of this yet… but I expect the exhibition will continue even if online) simpler times….
So Wednesday continues….. I get myself feeling so fed up I am very relieved I can’t go out anywhere as if the shock of speaking to someone outside of us four face to face would be too much to handle. I have to then give myself a talking too as I normally spend all day completely on my own in the studio with only the dogs for company and so why am I making such a big deal out of it now. I felt overwhelmed with the amount of messages I was receiving even though most of them were perfectly normal messages as I have said hardly anyone knew we were all in isolation. A lot of messages were such lovely enquiries about buying my work and several house commissions so I should have been feeling extremely fortunate but I just felt overwhelmed and sad.
I began tentatively to tell a few more people outside my immediate group of friends that we were in isolation and all have either coughs or temperatures and everyone was concerned. “Is it awful?” “Do you need paracetemol?’ “Can we help?” “Let us know if you need anything?” One friend did say she would swear it to secrecy which did immediately plunge me straight back into gloom and that feeling we had done something wrong. I absolutely loathe secrets. I am as open a a soaring birds wings, ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I probably overshare rather than keep secrets about myself. I can’t remember what my reply was but her saying that was partly why I wanted to write all this down. To put it out there to say it’s hopefully going to be ok for me and I think it will be for you too if you have basically started this experience as a fairly healthy person. She did then go and buy us lots of milk and the kids some delicious cake so she is now on my hero list…..
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful with this next sentence and it has actually made me chuckle all day when I have said it to other people but another genuine reason I was worried about telling people we were in lockdown is in case people started bring round casseroles and we didn’t have room in the fridge or the freezer and if we had to remember whose casserole dish was whose and that we couldn’t return them because we are in lockdown etc etc…… This casserole saga did actually happen when my Dad died and I think it probably wouldn’t have been as overwhelming if he hadn’t just died but then no one would have bought any round…… If anyone is thinking of helping us we will have run out of food by Saturday and we will have a list ready!
The day went on with Anna improving by the minute. She finished off a school art project of lino printing and then we did some sewing together which was really lovely. She has been participating in “virtual school” with a live link up to her classroom at school which has been fantastic at keeping up with school work and her friends. She has also had longer than usual on face time and messages with her friends after school so she can catch up with everything that has gone on that day. I think her mental well being is holding up best of all of us.
Matt has been really tired, wheezy and “not well” he has slept quite a lot but his temperature has gone. Elliott has been asleep nearly all day but got up for lunch and dinner. I think he feels a bit better this evening as he has been down a couple of times to get water. I think he will be the one desperate to get out first when he feels better especially as all his friends will be finishing school on Friday for an undefined period of time. I feel so sorry for his friends who were all due to sit their A levels this summer and our friends whose son was doing his GCSES. That must be such a confusing and unsettling time for them all to comprehend.
We ate a homemade lasagne this evening which Matt made this afternoon. I couldn’t taste anything BUT neither could Matt!! That then got my mind racing as to whether I was actually ahead of my family on the C19 journey as I lost my sense of taste on Saturday and had had the weird aches and pains that week. Matt had complained of aches and pains that sounded like mine this morning……..
So that made feel all up in the air again as I was then petrified - Have I unintentionally infected people last week as I didn’t self isolate when I had the leg/back pains and lost my sense of taste? Or was none of this C19 at all and we have been blowing out of proportion fairly trivial symptoms and sleeping a lot because we haven’t set foot outside for nearly 48 hours…… But then I came back full circle to the PHE website which states if you have a temperature or a cough you must self isolate for 14 days if you are in a house of more than one person. So we have done exactly what the government advise has asked us to do and isolated as soon as we noticed the temperature and cough. Phew.
So writing this blog has taken me about three hours this evening and I have found it the most cathartic thing I have done since my isolation life began. I will be writing a little snippet every evening ( not three hours worth!!) if you want to catch up with our progress or have any questions or if you are going through the same “Is it C19” life then feel free to leave a comment with any other symptoms I may not have experienced.
I think that at nearly midnight in our sleepy town it will be safe for me to run the gauntlet of the High Street and take the dogs for a wee without breathing on anyone so I will say goodnight now and hopefully have some more to share tomorrow.